Shocking Paternity Test Results Reveal Santa Claus is Not Father Christmas

STAMFORD, CT— Notorious red suit-wearing, world travelling gift-giver Santa Claus received some shocking news this week, when it was revealed to him that he was in fact not Christmas' father.

After years of Claus' denial that the holiday was his own, he was finally proven correct during an appearance on the Maury Povich Show where a paternity test absolved him of all responsibility of December 25th. 

What if Men Wrote Advice Columns?

We've all read advice columns written by women. Dear Abby, Ann Landers, The Advice Goddess... you know, columns where people write in saying stuff like "my husband is cheating on me, what should I do?" and then Abby or Ann will give them advice like "you should find out for sure and if he is, you should have a serious discussion with him and demand he respect you." You know, stuff like this...

But what if these columns weren't written by women but were written by another gender entirely? What if they were written by men? I don't think its too much of a stretch to say that they would be a little different

Here's a little sample of what we imagine would be some of the changes if men wrote advice columns instead of women...  

Sudanese Prisoners Awaiting Execution Agree that "4:20 is the Best Time to Get Stoned"

SUDAN— According to a poll of Sudanese prisoners facing death by stoning, 4:20 is by far the most popular time of day to be pelted with rocks by angry, bloodthirsty mobs. 

The information comes from a survey in which the prisoners were asked which time they would prefer to undergo their stoning execution out of the following selection of times: 1:30, 2:00. 2:30. 3:00. 3:30, 4:00, 4:15 and 4:20.

BREAKING: Vatican Considering Also Electing New God

VATICAN CITY—With the date of the conclave to elect a new pope now set, cardinals from across the world have been meeting to discuss the future of the Catholic Church, a conversation which has apparently sparked interest in the possibility of also electing a new god.

According to inside sources from the Vatican, the Church is "seriously considering" replacing the god that has led their faith for the past infinite amount of years.

Seth MacFarlane Declared the Worst Oscar Host Since Whoever the Last Oscar Host Was

THE INTERNET—Following this year's Academy Awards, on the one day a year when all journalists, bloggers and twitter users become comedy experts, the online community has officially declared the event's host, Seth MacFarlane, to be the WORST OSCAR HOST OF ALL TIME, taking the place of whoever it was that hosted the Oscars last year.

Despite clearly being given a fair chance by all online critics, MacFarlane's performance was ultimately dismissed as crude, offensive, sexist and a DISASTER after he finished telling his first joke. 

Local Man Tattoos Family Crest on Bicep as a Tribute to Being Totally Jacked

YOUR REGION—After careful thought and deliberation, a local man has decided to make a permanent mark in honour of his own ripped body by tattooing his family crest on his sweet, toned right bicep.

The tat belongs to Tom McElroy, a 22 year old worker at a nearby factory, who says that he got the tattoo only a week after the death of his grandfather, when he finally reached his target weight of 215 pounds. 

Brave NHL Heroes Return from Europe after Conquering Enemy Leagues Overseas

NEW YORK—More than three months after they first started to depart, NHL players risking their lives in Europe are finally being brought home to North America after ensuring that the NHL will remain the world's most powerful hockey league. 

The overseas mission, which was enacted in September of last year, was first planned in the off season when NHL executives grew concerned about the growing presence of Russia’s KHL as a superpower hockey league. An executive decision was made at that time to stage a fake lockout in order to allow NHL players to travel to Europe and reclaim the sport.