Exhausted Americans Demand Less Time Consuming National Pastime

DENVER—As tired Americans slog through the final games of the 2012 MLB season, the United States public have reportedly made a formal request that their national pastime be changed from baseball to something that won’t take up so much of their time.  

As of September 30th, over 30,000 Americans have already signed a petition asking their government to relieve them of having to enjoy baseball during their few precious leisure hours.

"It's not really a viable pastime for me right now" explained a very tired Colorado Rockies fan, "the economy's really hit us all hard, I'm working over 60 hours a week just to get by... but since it's our official pastime I have no choice but to spend all my remaining time watching a bunch of millionaires hang out on a field and play games."

With each baseball game taking up over 3 hours and MLB teams playing 162 games a season each for a total of 4,860 games throughout the league each year, plus additional pre-season spring league games, playoff games, dozens of minor affiliate leagues with their own full seasons, little leagues, t-ball leagues and company softball leagues: it's obvious that America's "pastime" has grown out of control.

"I want my pastime to be something I can relax with" further explained the Rockies fan, " something that helps me forget what a pathetic, boring loser I am... that's definitely not happening this year."

According to the majority of American's polled, although they all still respect baseball, most of them just don't think it's where they're at as a nation anymore.

"Maybe during the good years, when we we're economically stable, it was fine to spend all day watching guys eat sunflowers and occasionally hit a ball with a bat, but in today's climate America needs their pastime to get more bang for their buck" said an professor of  American time-wasting at Temple University, "if anything our national pastime should be football: it's just as exciting, it's just as American and more importantly it only takes up one day a week."

Although the government has said that they have no plans to change the official pastime, the White House has come out with some advice to ease the pain of the baseball season.

"It's really important that Americans don't confuse "pastime" with "obsession" detailed one government official, "you don't have to be baseball experts, you just need to maintain enough interest so that the terrorists don't claim baseball as their own. As long as you wear a team's hat and pretend to watch some games that's totally fine." 

The official went on to explain that for the majority of games, fans should be encouraged to participate in an additional hobby as they watch. Even while attending live games they suggested fans bring a good book or bring a little TV to watch something that's actually entertaining.

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