Shocking Paternity Test Results Reveal Santa Claus is Not Father Christmas
STAMFORD, CT— Notorious red suit-wearing, world travelling gift-giver Santa Claus received some shocking news this week, when it was revealed to him that he was in fact not Christmas' father.
After years of Claus' denial that the holiday was his own, he was finally proven correct during an appearance on the Maury Povich Show where a paternity test absolved him of all responsibility of December 25th.
"Everyone has always called me that, but I knew I couldn't be Father Christmas," Claus told Povich following the test results and subsequent five minutes of running around the stage grabbing his crotch. "Sure, I've been down a lot of chimneys across the world in my life but ain't no way I fathered that bastard winter celebration."
The results of the test have come as a huge relief to Claus, who has almost lost his life savings supporting Christmas and is excited to finally settle down into retirement with his wife "Mrs." and their nine reindeer.
"You'd think only having to be responsible for one holiday wouldn't be too much work, but god is Christmas needy", Claus explained. "I had to move to the North Pole, build a workshop, employ thousands of elves... all for a holiday that wasn't even really mine!"
While the real parent of Christmas is still a mystery, Povich has announced that they will be testing another potential father of Christmas, Jesus Christ, next week.
"You know I bet it was that Jesus dude, he's such a goddamn player," Claus told Povich in an exclusive promo for Monday's episode. "I heard that motherfucker even faked his own death for three whole days just to get out of supporting Easter."
The world is going to have to wait another week, and about 4 or 5 commercial breaks, before the true father of Christmas is potentially revealed. Maury has promised to have Christ in for at least a week-long stint in order to accommodate the almost infinite list of viewers who also claim to be his sons and daughters.